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In which Herne said no and told the immortal to shoo.
THE CRY OF DESPAIR #39
Alendil, Alerious, Alisia, Aylssa, Apollonia, Azrakare, Barentin,
Begaria, Conran, Dein, DekkatH, Elaria, Elbanon, Goomra, Lorel,
Loril, Naithalia, Nimue, Nitsuj, Odessyus, Saraphin, Sarig, Shamisen,
Mortal Editor: Kuah
Immortal Editor: Ayesh
Table of Contents
Desk of the Editor
Letters, Words and Thanks.
Your Paragraph INTERACTIVE!!!
One starts it, one finishes it, Starting with Herne and the Otters
Back! And better than ever!
Roses are red...
Avatar Chat humor and of course, titles...
Yes, it's a Begaria story...
A word from the Lizard...
Desk of the Editor By: Kuah
What is the good word? Thanks to all of you for the words on the last
issue, 99 percent of that being comments on the botting article. And
another big thanks to the staff who worked on it. This issue is another
good one, where we start something that we think will be beyond fun
and good for some laughs, and who can't have enough of those!?? The
Horoscopes also return with the debut of new staff member, Naithalia.
We also return with poems, funnybones and the usual reading you have
come to expect from the Cry of Despair.
As always, if you have a comment, gripe or something you want to
submit to the Cry of Despair, you can reach us the CoD public board
in the TownHall (e,s,2u,s,w,s from DH) or south of Quills and
Parchments on Market Street. Or you can Mudmail me or Ayesh. As
always, enjoy and thanks.
Your Paragraph Winning Paragraph By: Jaryl
One day Herne was walking with his friendly neighborhood otters when
out of nowhere an immortal popped up. The immortal said in a god-like
tone "HERNE! WE COMMAND YOU TO BECOME AN IMMORTAL AGAIN!!!!!"
Herne said no and told the immortal to shoo. So Herne was frolicking
with the otters(Herne loves to frolick but dosen't do it with people
watching) when another one of those pesky immortals popped up. This
one said. "Yo dude, why don't you come and hang with us immortal dudes
again. What'd ya say dude?"
Herne said no and told him to shoo. So Herne was feeding his otters
their favorite food, chicken when all of a sudden another of those
ding-dong-danged immortals popped up. This one said "Herne, you know
that if you become an immortal again you can kill all of those people
on your hit list."
Herne was ecstatic. He'd never thought of the benefits of re-imming.
He said he'd think about it.
Herne walked over to the otters and sat them down. "Otters," Herne
said, "I have something important to tell you. I'm going to have to
leave for awhile."
The otters cried and begged him not to go, but Herne was set. The
prospect of mass murder was just too tempting. It was a tearful
good-bye. No one had ever seen Herne cry before, but now he cried
like a little girl. "I'm sorry otters! I'll miss you all! You'll
always have a special place in my tiny, stone cold heart!" With that
Herne gave them each a kiss and set off to the world he'd once known.
The world of the immortals.
This was the winning Starting Paragraph! Now, everyone gets to use
the winning paragraph, and follow up the "Herne has left the otters!"
story. REMEMBER, you can change the path of the story in any way you
wish, as long as there is some relevance to the previous paragraph.
The more entries we receive, the more interesting the competition gets,
and you can win cash prizes! So mudmail Shingo all entries!
(One entry per person)
&P MUDMAIL ALL ENTRIES TO SHINGO
Horoscopes By: Naithalia
Naithalia's Little Prophecy Place
Today's Medium: the Zodiac.
Today, dears, we are foretelling using the most ancient medium of
all the stars. They are quite accurate, as you would see if you
adventuresome types would realize if you would talk to Virgo instead
of killing the poor girl right and left. Your futures are clear.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
You puzzle over your lover's shun of you but things improve vastly when
you finally get around to taking that bath.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Dependable and fun-loving describes you perfectly. You will spend the
first few days after reading this lazy as usual, but beware the sea-elf
offering trade. Something's fishy, no pun intended.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
Ever feel like people are watching you? Well, they are. You better
watch out, they just might catch you.
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
You are a pushover, and you have bad taste in equipment. This month,
try not to let these little setbacks get you down.
LEO (July 23-August 22)
You'll definitely be Leo the Lion this month, cause a frisky half-elf
wants to make you roar! Keep your breath fresh and floss--I know you
always forget to.
VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
You will have the worst time ever! You are nothing but a rotten,
stinking puddle of pond skum. Old (gorgeous) lovers will haunt your
dreams. You will never find true love again, and you will get an
LIBRA (September 23-October 23)
You'll will have an insatiable desire for chocolate this month.
Don't worry--I hear Cadbury is having a sale.
SCORPIO (October 24-November 21)
Lonely? Two words. Sea Monkeys.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)
You may be asking yourself, "Why am I destined to live my life all
alone? Why, dear Thoric, WHY!" Or you may be be having your ninth
kid and you don't know WHERE you're going to get the money to get
little Timmy's leg fixed. In either case, take heart. Start hanging
out in the cool sections of town with a sad look on your face.
Someone will notice.
CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
Ah, the celebrated leader of all, you are among the elite in sharing
my sign. You are beautiful, talented, and intelligent. Go ahead and
buy that Lifebane. You deserve it!
PISCES (January 19-March 20)
Bored? Ever been to a donkey farm? My suggestion is you find one
this month, and take the whole family.
Poets Corner By: CoD Staff
&B Obsessed By: Naithalia
Staring through the cold
A store window, a dress
A little too long
And too tight in the shoulders
And a bit too impractical
And a lot too expensive
Oh, you sigh for it
Long for it
Admiring the shimmerglimmersplendor.
Oh, you fight for it
Put aside all
Til it's yours, only yours.
But as sweet silk surrounds you
The cold winds bite
And you realize
You're tripping over the hem
And you realize
You're trying to loosen the neck
And you realize
It can't keep out the cold
It won't keep out the cold
It can't keep out the cold
Treasure Chest By: Aylssa and Saraphin
Greetings From Treasure Chest..
Saraphin and I were discussing our many treasures we have collected
during our time here.. Rustling to log storages, and digging thru
containers, we both laughed at the various toys, foods, novelty items
each had collected.. The fun we had sharing the items with each other
brought about the idea of treasure chest.. Each issue we would explore
the realms and 'spotlight' a fun find *see note*. We're looking forward
to future issues, if you should have a treasure you would like to share
please contact us via mudmail =)
See you soon,
*note* We are going to try to include directions for fellow treasure
hunters, but we are not responsible or any mis-adventures that occur,
We'll try to include as much information as possible, but we seek our
treasure as AV mages, and often forget the lil ones about realms..
Funny Bones Chest By: CoD Staff
The testosterone hit the fan on the avatar channel one night...
Lachlan: kali, do you blame your heterosexuality on perhaps an
inability to have a lasting relationship with members of your gender,
or do you believe that it is a chemical disorder from birth?
Kali: It's because I dig chicks
Lachlan: do you believe that with proper counceling, someday you could
perhaps learn to deal with this heterosexuality of yours, and perhaps
Kali: Breasts are too wonderful a thing
Kali: Mind you, this doesn't include man breasts
Tiki: <snicker> Like Herne's?
Tenadabu: please don't bring up herne's man breasts
Tical: Breasts GOOOOOOD!
Edmond says 'emptied out in here.'
Edmond sniffs Hoerkin's armpits.
Edmond suddenly starts gagging.
Iliana winces. Ouch!
Iliana thinks Hoerkin needs a bath.
Edmond says 'we can fix this'
Edmond peers intently about the area, looking for thieves no doubt.
Edmond slays Hoerkin in cold blood!
Hoerkin gasps his last breath and blood spurts out of his mouth and ears.
Hoerkin steps forth from a shimmering gateway which then collapses behind
Edmond says 'you carry too much crap, Hoerkin'
Hoerkin says 'Loot limit is 3!'
Trinda: my cat's breath smells like cat food - hola all
Booke: why isn't that a surprise? - hi Trinda
Sampras: hrm... my breath smells like cat food :(
Trinda: mmMMmm cat food is oh so yummy
Turlok: whats a cats breath supposed to smell like other than cat
Sampras: if your like me... sometimes booze
Sampras: cat acting up? put some johnny walker in the water bowl :)
he will prr like a kitten :)
Turalyon embodies the smell of rotting tunafish
Jessel has enough hatred to go around for everyone
Vashan Consistantly inconsistant
Clevert is back to dual-wielding chicken.
Dakid got his corpse purged and didnt even get a t-shirt.
Vanyla... don't lick me just 'cause I'm sweet!
Leala Dela Drones is not a mob! :( :(
Vashan Doesn't care WHO yer parents are!
Lun wants to be your cabbage too
Nyphele is afraid of Normal people
Maire is God's hackie sack.
Gethi v2.0....special Balzhur edition!
Augustine eater of goat milk.
Gidrenth layeth the healeth down ;)
Laryssa the Monkey says, "Spank me!"
It's Brakius! By: Begaria
My story begins when the last issue of the Cry of Despair hit the
streets. We hit 49 pages with 2 interviews from Imms and a whole load
of stuff. I was pretty proud of myself and the staff for doing
such a fine job on that issue. I was happily sitting in the guild
of Ranger's recall when I overheard brakius say on avchat that my
story was 'bad'. I didn't take no offense of course, but I did say
that I would put him in my next story, just to get 'even'. So now,
Brakius' 15 minutes come in to view.
After I thought of some evil ideas to get even with Brakius, some
good ideas, some bad, I picked an evil scheme that I liked. I stood
up and brushed off the leaves from my body and climbed out of the
Vallenwood tree and proceeded to find Verok, Brakius' father.
After a short treck through Darkhaven, I found him seated on the west
battlements of the city. I approached him and he nodded to me.
I sat down next to him and looked out over the forest, watching as
lowbies and avatars alike came and went from the gates. I turned
towards Verok and said, 'I think Brakius needs a bit of discipline
and respect for people's work, don't you think so to?'
Verok nodded and said, 'That them there boy...hrm, I mean...my son
does need to learn a bit about respect. Why, I went and kicked his
butt all over the arena a little while ago. 7 to 3 was the score,
boy did I waste him. So, yeah, he's in need of another little
trick to make him learn some respect!'
I kind of thought Verok would see my point. I quickly told him of
my plan and patted him on the back and left towards the Vallenwood
tree, letting Verok carry the rest of my evil deeds out to plan.
What? You think an evil person such as myself would do my own work?
I think not! One of the tips from 70 hints on being an Evil Overlord
Verok took one last look over the forest and jumped down from the
battlements and landed on skilled feet. He walked to a quiet part
of Darkhaven, deep in the lair of Dragon Exports, and sat down
and became motionless as he contacted an Immortal. That Immortal
just so happened to be Edmond.
Verok 'Excuse me, could you book the arena for me and my son, Brakius
Edmond replys 'Yeah. Sure. You just go round up your son, and send
me a reply when you are ready, I have to finish up something important.
Verok responded with a yes but heard from Edmond shout at Hoerkin to
leave his super cool deluxe action figures alone. Verok shrugged and
recalled his way out of Dragon Exports and quickly found his son
seated on a bench on Hawk Street.
Verok 'Hey son, I booked the arena today for some training, get your
Brakius groaned and said 'But, you already kicked my butt 7 to 3!'
Verok nodded and said 'Yeah, and I'm going to kick it some more if
you don't hurry up.'
Brakius muttered and quickly strapped on his armor and grabbed his
weapons from his pack.
Verok sent a message to Edmond that they were ready and they were
instantly teleported to the arena. Verok and Brakius paid Edmond
the entrance fee and were sent into the arena. Brakius quickly found
his way to his son and beckoned Brakius to follow him. Brakius
did so and was quickly led the middle of the arena.
Verok 'Alright son, could you stand in the middle of that big white
X? Don't worry about a thing.'
Brakius knew something was up and said 'Ah...why? Whats so great
about standing on that X?'
Verok shrugged and said 'You'll see.'
Brakius nodded and walked over and onto the middle of the X, when
he turned to face his father, Verok was gone.
Brakius 'H...hello? Hey Verok! Where are you?! HELLLLOOO!'
All of a sudden, the arena went pitch black. Brakius' light did
nothing to illuminate the place. There was a click behind Brakius
and Brakius quickly turned and drew his weapon to face whatever was
there...and found himself staring a film machine...it magically
turned on and it projected a movie on to one of the walls and...
the movie...it is too horrible to mention...Brakius couldn't believe
it! No! It couldn't be! It was a movie of Herne doing stand up
comedy...and it was terrible! Brakius tried to close his ears off
from the horrible and outdated jokes, but he couldn't resist!
Brakius tried to smash the machine but his weapon just bounced off.
He couldn't believe this! Brakius tried to ram glass into his ears
to stop the bleeding but it didn't help. This movie was pushing him
over the edge!
Brakius screamed 'Help me!!!!'
Than the movie clicked off and the entire place went black.
Brakius stared around in amazement and was about to yell for help
again when another movie turned on...this...was even worse! It
was the movie Fargo starring *gasp* Herne! Brakius couldn't stand
the acting in the movie! He shuddered and fell to the ground crying
wondering what he did to deserve this...and the movie droned on and
on...never ending...Brakius started to wish that some big bad monster
would come and kill him.
Brakius screamed 'I'm sorry for whatever I did! I'm so sorry!...
could I die now?'
The movie projector than blew up! The arena lights flicked on and
to Brakius' happy amazement...the Monty Python Foot came crashing down
on him with a humourous fart noise...
And that, my friends, is the tale of how Brakius became small.
Nations News By: CoD Staff
The Life of a Lizard, By: DekkatH
Have you ever had the experience of walking through Darkhaven and
encountering a tall, scaly figure? Did you think it was a Monster
invading your home away from home? Well, for those who do wonder,
I would like to shed some light on a little known race called the
"Lizardman/woman" We have occupied the realms and have slain its
famed beasts for a few years now. Being a small race we are a close
family of lizards always ready to help one another. The rumor that
we can breathe under water is actually true since our homeland rests
beneath the swamps in Haon'dor. We are a strong, and proud race of
warriors and rangers and we are always looking for the next hero to
pass through the spectral gates as a fellow Lizard in Arms.
THE CRY OF DESPAIR #39